From The Onion:

According to a groundbreaking new study by the Department of Labor, working —the physical act of engaging in a productive, job-related activity — may greatly increase the amount of work accomplished during the workday, especially when compared with the more common practices of wasting time and not working.

"Our findings are astounding: By simply sitting down and doing work, employees can dramatically increase their output of goods and services," said Deputy Undersecretary of Labor Charlotte Ponticelli, who authored the report. "In fact, 'working' may revolutionize the way people work."

Perhaps even more shocking, the study reveals that not working significantly decreases worker productivity, sometimes even resulting in no work getting done at all. Similar findings were reported in the areas of avoiding work, putting off work, complaining about work instead of actually working, pretending to work, and fucking around.

"Fucking around is in fact detrimental to the work process," the study reads in part.